I'm Coming Out of the Closet!
Now
that Exodus International is no longer the bastion of "ex-gayness", I
can now stop being "ex-gay"!! Now I can be just, well...yeah, coming
right up with that...any minute now. Its a hard call, or used to be.
When you don't belong to anyone you are never sure who or what you
are. Oh, I had a family I belonged to, but that family was headed by a
husband and father who didn't love the family he created. The cherry on
this yummy familial confection was a an uncle who moved in with us,
when I was about three years old. If you've read my blog, you know I
call this uncle, "Uncle Monster", he's a psychopath who finished the
incredible works of unlove dear old dad had begun. I'm not sure when I
figured out, the two men who had complete control of my young life, not
only didn't love me, but also convinced me no one ever could or would
love me. Was it when uncle monster made me cry out in fear and pain,
but dad shouted at me to shut up? Was it when uncle monster plunked my 4
or 5 year old butt on the roof of our house? I don't need any pity for
what happened in the past. I'm establishing that there are very good
reasons why I always felt different and ultimately cut off from
relationship and my own identity as a male. What about mom? What about
my siblings? Their circumstances were the same as mine. The two most
powerful dictators in their lives were the same two men. I do not have
the permission to tell their stories, but I can say all of us suffered.
I was cut adrift before the of 5.
I
did have Ben. Ben was my imaginary friend when I was 6. Ben was
actually a lot like me, but he was loved, popular at his school, a good
athlete, and incredibly nice. I was none of those things, so I was
lucky to have Ben. Ben and I would hang out in my yard, in the field
behind one of the house's in the neighborhood, or on the cool jungle gym
and rope swing in the Cowyn's back yard. Ben and I had a bit of a
rocky start. I'd want to talk and push each other on the rope swing,
but Ben would simply stand silently looking at me. He never said a
word, or played, he'd just stare at me, in total science, and without
moving. The only time Ben ever moved was when I had to go home for
supper. He'd turn and walk briskly away from me, until the next time I
wanted to hang out. Needless to say I ended the friendship. I'm the
only person I know whose imaginary friend didn't like him.
Actually
fantasy would save my life. The only people I had were the ones I
imagined. After Ben I got better at creating fantasy friends. I was the
creator of my own world, because I needed it. My real world was
incredibly toxic. I didn't know my imaginary world was also toxic. I
didn't know that other people might like me...maybe even love me one day
if given a chance. I had my own little emotional prison in the real
world, and my own little imaginary prison to escape the real one.
Do
you remember Elizabeth Smart? The young teenaged girl, kidnapped from
her own bed, in her families home in Salt Lake City, by a handyman and
self-proclaimed Mormon prophet? For months the little girl and her
captors eluded discovery, even though they were often right under the
nose of the people searching for her. Do you remember when she was
found? The police stopped three homeless vagabonds in the middle of the
street. The officers separated a heavily disguised Elizabeth Smart
from the older couple with her. If you'll remember the officer who
questioned Elizabeth pulled her out of her kidnapper's hearing, and even
placed himself between her direct line of sight and her attacker.
Still, when questioned; asked point blank, "Are you Elizabeth Smart?"
Smart denied she was Elizabeth. Over and over again the officer had to
ask Elizabeth, "Are you Elizabeth Smart?" When Smart finally admitted
who she was it was in a barely audible whisper.
Trauma
takes prisoners. Abusers take prisoners; molester's take prisoners;
manipulating control freaks take prisoners; drug addicts and adulterers
take prisoners; illness and deprivation takes prisoners too. Sometimes
the trauma in life comes from the illness or death of either a child or a
caregiver. And guess what? How people respond to trauma also takes
prisoners. My dad/uncle trauma took me prisoner, but I built my own
walls in an attempt to escape. When I escaped every day I pushed myself
further and further away from others, because I was honestly convinced
that if my dad and uncle would or could not love me, no one else could
either.
Why
did the cop in Salt Lake City have to ask Elizabeth Smart over and over
again, "Are you Elizabeth...?" Elizabeth had developed a "slave"
mentality. Her abuser/users had convinced of their threats, power, and
authority. She accepted, against her will, that she was powerless to do
anything else. Why is it so hard for Christians to overcome sin, even
in the face of God's incredible promises? We've been sinning all our
lives, and we're enslaved. Smart's kidnapper had renamed her, and when
the cop asked, the first time she gave the false name given her by her
jailer. Elizabeth was completely out of the power of her abusers/users,
but she held to the lie. Could Elizabeth have escaped that day without
the intervention of a police officer? No, Elizabeth would have
remained in her master's hands. The same is true of people who are
sexually broken. So long have we lived in the cages thrown down deep
dark holes, that even in the light, power, and promises of God in Christ
Jesus, we'll stay in those cages. We'll allow people to label, and
keep sticking them back on us, even after Christ has stripped them all
away. Even Exodus International wanted to stick label's on people,
"ex-gay". I needed someone to intervene on my behalf. I needed
someone to keep telling me the truth, to keep walking with me, away from
sin's prison. I need someone to keep reading my rights, "If the Son
shall make you free you will be free indeed." "There is now therefore
no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. For through Christ
Jesus the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin
and death." THOSE ARE MY RIGHTS!! "If anyone is in Christ they are a
new creation; the old has passed away. Behold everything has been made
new." The law of the Spirit, the Holy Spirit, set me free. The laws
of sin and death have been handcuffed. Should Elizabeth Smart be
forced to add the name, her kidnappers gave her, to the name her parents
gave her? No, of course not! But to be honest about who she is, and
what happened in the past she really should add the false name she was
given, because it did happen, Smart's kidnappers had the power to make
her go by the false name they forced upon her. Those are among the facts of the
case. For the sake of honesty, she should add her false name as
well. Smart is just in denial and someone really should help her be who
she really is. I mean she could say, "I'm Elizabeth Smart "ex- (state
your false name here)..." That would be honest.
Elizabeth
Smart doesn't have to accept the labels her kidnapper forced on her.
So why is it I have to live with the labels forced on me by those who
abused, misused, and neglected me? Why do I even have to accept past
labels I stuck on myself? Oh, yeah, those feelings of attraction for other
guys. Those feelings don't just evaporate, and there is simply no,
"praying the gay away." And God doesn't simply take feelings away.
Feelings begin to change when we change our behaviors. But before our
behaviors change, the direction of our thoughts must change. Change
thinking, change behaving, and feelings will change. It can be quite a
battle, but that is life. Life doesn't work the way fantasies work. If
life is worth living then living it truthfully; not hiding, not
escaping the hard stuff; not avoiding the deeper feelings, or
childishly demanding that God just make it all go away. In the name of
protecting the truth, i.e. "I am unloved and unlovable." I never had
the chance to find out if anyone could honestly love me, and who cared
anyway, I'd been settling for sex so long it was a part of me. I'm a
college educated guy who, though not a biology or psychology major, have
always followed both sciences very carefully. I knew that choices
which lead to behaviors change the brain's chemistry; habitual behaviors
literally create a neural pathways, kinda like a shortcut. Just like a
foot path which is often walked becomes a recognizable path the more it
is used, so behaviors make firmly entrenched and well worn paths in our
brains. The fact is once a shortcut is made that path never completely
goes away. That does not mean that behaviors cannot be changed
permanently. New pathways can be made, and old paths will deteriorate
with the passage of time and disuse.
There
is another factor when it comes to Christians and changing. The
message of Jesus of Nazareth and his apostles is of spiritual new
birth. The Bible teaches a literal new birth, through a new act of
creation within the human being. This new spirit is linked directly to
Jesus Christ, through something many of us imagine as a spiritual
umbilical cord. Through this new spirit created from the stuff of God's
own Spirit, the Christian is remade from the inside out. So Christians
are not merely changing brain chemistry, but change is powered by a
spirit empowered to live eternally in the presence of their eternal
God. The change comes from a new spirit, not an old brain with well
worn sin paths cut into the brain. It is the Holy Spirit who does the
real hard work of change, but part of God's work includes making us part
and parcel of that work. Christians aren't simply to sit around and
"pray the sin away." Real change in thought and deed begun, guaranteed,
and completed by God in and through us means we have to agree with and
move with God toward the freedom he has worked and continues to work in
us. I am no longer the sum total of the harm of abusers and users. I
am now the sum total of God's promises, and the final result is that God
will utterly conform me into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ.
Neither I nor any other person can conform a mere human being into the
image and likeness of God the Son. Only God can conform a human into
the image and likeness of his Son. It is not I who overcome my sin and
the scars those sins have made on my brain. I am in the hands of the
almighty who is molding and making into a new creation in every faculty
and part of me. When God is done nothing I was made of will exist.
None of the brokenness will remain, none of the damage done by other to
me, and none of the damage from my sin will exist.
In
Christ there are no "gay Christians", no "ex-gay Christians", no
"murdering Christians", no "racist Christians," and etc. What the world
needs from the Church is not a condemning judge, not acceptance of sin,
and most certainly not Christians who have no opinion. When God
clearly says, "You shall not..." then that is the judgment of God, and
every true believer holds to the judgment of God. It is God's standard
and he will enforce that standard.
It
is fitting that Exodus International go the way of the DoDo. No
Christian should label another Christian with "ex-" anything. No
Christian should label or wear the label, "gay Christian". No believer
in Jesus Christ needs or deserves any other kind of label besides, "New
creation." No one should be segregated and labeled because of their
past. If you are a brother or sister in Christ then regardless of your
past I'm deputized by living God to walk with you away from your sin and
slavery. I'm authorized to read you the rights you have in Jesus
Christ.
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